10. Staying Alive - The Saturday Night Fever sequel is no where near the quality of the original. It reeks. And yet, I’ve seen it more than a few times. The plot is terrible. It follows a self-indulgent Tony Manero’s quest to become a professional dancer on Broadway since that’s the natural progression from disco dancing at the club. The key to getting on broadway is to have sex with the lead female dancer who then suggests to her director that you should have a part in his show. Then when her co-star sucks during rehearsals, you approach the director to audition for his part and voila, you’re in a Broadway show. Oh what luck! And we’re supposed to feel good that Tony gets back at “the man” in the end by breaking script and dancing his own moves during opening night, despite the fact that he’s been a complete ass to his ever faithful girlfriend during the entire movie. Granted this was the early 80s and film in general was less enlightened toward women. So why have I seen this movie so many times? Honestly, it’s the dancing, the leotards, and the headbands.
9. Love Story - I want to puke every time I watch this movie, yet it’s not a completely unpleasant feeling. I always gag after the heavily quoted line of “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Ya, right! Whoever wrote that must be divorced by now because love means having to say you’re sorry more than you would normally because you give a damn about the other person’s feelings. That aside, it’s a movie classic with terrible incredibly sappy dialog and plot which makes it quite fun to watch if only to mock it. And I’m sentimental about the theme song since my Mom used to play it on the piano all the time as I grew up. Shout out to Henry Mancini.
8. Because I Said So - This movie tried to cash in on Diane Keaton’s renewed industry “hotness” after Something’s Gotta Give. Bluck. It’s about an overbearing mother who interferes with her daughters’ lives, particularly her youngest played by Mandy Moore. So get this… she’s so desperate for her daughter to marry that SHE places a personal ad for her daughter on some website after “accidentally” coming across a few porn sites that she can’t get out of (and later we see her visiting those same porn sites just for fun). So what makes this movie so bad, yet good? It’s how annoying Diane Keaton’s character is in a poorly written movie. If my mother ever behaved the way this woman does, I’d move and never tell her where I live. Yet I get the feeling that the intent is for Keaton’s character to be likable. Failed!
7. Simply Irresistible - Terrible, terrible movie that relies on the audience to suspend disbelief beyond disbelief. This one was trying to cash in on the popularity of Like Water For Chocolate. Denied! Sarah Michelle Gellar plays a cook in her dead Mother’s restaurant who can’t cook until she buys – wait for it – a magic crab. Poof! She’s the most fantastic cook ever! She runs into a guy who manages a department store whose girlfriend trashes all of the restaurant’s dishes, so he offers to replace them. They fall in love. Or is he just in love with her food? And does she really have a magic crab or is she just a witch? Hmmm. Questions questions. What makes me laugh is the insanely delicious food in question are standard looking eclairs that you can find at any old grocery store. Nothing about them makes my mouth water. And towards the end, Sarah Michelle Gellar is cooking for the opening night of a restaurant and somehow her emotions are getting into the food making the entire restaurant laugh and cry. Whatever. You know I had a magic crab once. His name was Bernie. I ate him with a lovely bernaise sauce and a nice chianti.
6. The Stepford Wives (2004) - What makes this remake so entertaining are the many holes in the plot. The original ended with all the wives being killed and replaced by robots. The remake starts off with the same concept as the original where the women are robots and it gives the impression they are murdered. In order to give the movie a happy ending, the women are no longer robots, but have microchips implanted into their brains to make them behave as the men would like them to. Yet, it’s never explained how this microchip allows for a woman to become an ATM, literally; for her to burn her hand without physical evidence of the burn; and how she can overheat with steam coming out of her body and after square dancing. Make it a game and see how many plot points don’t make any sense. Weeeee!
5. The Hotel New Hampshire - I haven’t read the book, but I am a fan of John Irving and I understand he can find comedy in truly dark moments. I loved World According to Garp, A Prayer For Owen Meany, and The Cider House Rules, etc. But I have a hard time thinking this movie was what he had in mind when he wrote The Hotel New Hampshire. It was made into a comedy romp with rape and incest thrown in with the expectation that the audience will take these parts of the movie seriously. It has a decent cast including Jody Foster, Rob Lowe, Beau Bridges, etc., so it’s difficult to know if what feels like terrible acting is a result of bad directing, a terrible script, or truly bad acting (you can’t be fabulous all the time).
4. Basic Instinct - Horrible, terrible dialogue. I will never be able to watch this movie in the same way again after seeing my Dad do his version of the “leg crossing” scene during a charades type of game. Hysterical!
3. Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls - I sincerely admire Roger Ebert for trying his hand at writing a movie. What I love about this one, is that the movie goes in one direction for 3/4 of the movie, following an all girl band in the 60s and their shenanigans. Suddenly towards the end it turns into a horror movie with decapitations and dead band mates. To quote Bill and Ted, “Excellent”!!!!
2. Showgirls - Poor Elizabeth Berkeley. You try to make an “adult” movie and look what happens – death to your career. I’ll admit, I was a fan of Saved By The Bell, so when this came out, I was very curious as to exactly how naughty could it be. Laughably naughty! Bad acting, bad dialogue, even bad sex scenes, but I love the dancing, I love the cattiness amongst the dancers, and I love Gina Gershon’s character, and I love Las Vegas.
1. The Color of Night - This stars Bruce Willis, Jane March, and Ruben Blades. It came out about the time I finished my bachelor’s degree in Psychology, so the material is right up my alley. The premise is a psychotherapist loses his ability to see the color red because his patient commits suicide by throwing herself out of the window of his high-rise office and he was traumatized by all the blood on the ground. Apparently, high-rises have very flimsy glass. And it’s truly amazing that the shrink could even see the blood on the ground being he’s on the 50th floor. He must have hawk vision and they forgot to mention it. The psychological problems portrayed in this film are so ridiculous and unbelievable that it makes the movie fun to watch. It’s another movie with terrible dialogue. Oddly, I looked up the writer and director of this movie, and they are credible filmmakers and have good movies behind their belts. What happened to this project, one has to wonder. My favorite part is during a sex scene between Bruce Willis and Jane March. The director thought it would be uber artsy to shoot through a piece of desk art and after a romp in a swimming pool cut to a couple of hang gliders flying around in the sky while dramatic sex music plays in the background. What the $%&*? It’s a fun film to mock and to watch repeatedly. Highly recommended, my number one.