I absolutely love motherhood, almost everything about it.  I don’t even mind having to continuously clean up after bodily functions.  Who knew I would think my daughter’s poop was actually pleasant smelling (I know, I know – wait until she starts eating solids)? And I’m always glad to see it since it means she’s getting some food in her.  The one thing that is driving me crazy is breastfeeding.  I love it and I hate it.

It doesn’t help that my relationship with breast feeding got off to a rocky start.  Lark was whisked away to the NICU pretty soon after she was born so we didn’t get to establish breastfeeding until the next day which was plenty of time for it to get messed up.  In all of the breastfeeding literature it says “don’t feed the baby formula or from a bottle until breastfeeding is well established.”  Lark had to be given formula since I couldn’t be in the NICU 24/7 – strike one.  It also says “do not give a baby a pacifier until breastfeeding is well established.”  Lark was given a pacifier right away in the NICU because she needed something to help keep her calm – strike two.  And it says “Let the baby feed on demand.”  Again, I wasn’t in the NICU 24/7 – strike three.  But luckily, that didn’t mean I was out, just challenged.  In addition to these obstacles, I was getting mixed messages from nurses and lactation consultants about my milk supply.  Everything I read said that you don’t produce much at first and your milk doesn’t fully come in until days 5 – 7.  I was getting grief on day 2 for my milk not being in by my first lactation consultant and some nurses.  And why would it be in?  Supply is based on demand and without being able to breastfeed on demand, of course the supply wasn’t going to be there.  And I was getting mixed messages about when and how long to breastfeed. Yada yada yada.  

Needless to say, that first week while Lark was in the NICU left me very disheartened about breastfeeding and extremely insecure about whether I’d really be able to do it.  It wasn’t until the NICU doctor and nurses did a sort of “intervention” with us that I felt better.  We were still staying at the hospital for 3 or 4  days past when I was discharged.  We weren’t getting any sleep because we were trying to establish breastfeeding around the clock and we had one night of Lark rooming-in with us where she was just not getting enough milk and not sleeping.  We were stressed out to the max.  The following morning we were invited to the NICU’s daily meeting where they review each patient and we sat in for Lark’s review.  It was here that they pretty much demanded that me and Martin go home and get some sleep.  They also acknowledged that the breastfeeding was messed up because of Lark being in the NICU, but that I was doing all that I could do and they were confident that everything would be fine after she was released and they mentioned an herb that I could take that would help get my milk supply up – fenugreek.  It was also recommended by the Pediatrician.

I took fenugreek for a few weeks and it definitely did the trick.  It was like going from zero to 80 mph in two seconds, which created another problem.  I went from having too little milk to having too much.  Poor little Lark would cough and gag while feeding because the milk was coming so fast.  So I stopped taking fenugreek to see if that would help.  I think it stopped the milk from increasing further, but it didn’t do anything about the milk coming too fast.  So, I consulted the internet who made a few suggestions to help the problem.  But now, Lark is vomiting at least once every day, although sometimes she skips a couple of days here an there.  So the current state of things is that my milk is still coming too fast in my right breast (the left has slowed down) and Lark is vomiting regularly.  

I feel horrible enough when I see my child vomiting – period.  But I feel even worse because what she’s barfing up is a product from me.  I know babies puke and spit up and that’s just how it is, but I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t feel so terrible when it happens if I was feeding her formula.  After talking to the Pediatrician’s nurse, it sounds like Lark may have reflux.  We won’t know until her 2 month appointment next week.  And that’s another fabulous thing – as long as she’s gaining weight and isn’t dehydrated, there’s not much I can do for her other than holding her upright for awhile after feeding.  Sigh.  I often wonder if it’s just me or does breastfeeding go smoothly for anyone?  Or since timing was off in the beginning, was it doomed to be difficult?

Then I think about all of the benefits of breastfeeding.  It improves Lark’s immune system.  It lowers the probability that she’ll have certain diseases.  It will make her a super genius.  I absolutely love the look on her face when she knows she’s about to feed.  It says “Yay, milk!  Yummy!”  It’s priceless.  Now that she can smile, when she’s done feeding it’s fun to just hold her, talk to her, and get her to smile.  Again – priceless.  It’s a wonderful way to bond.  And not everyone can do it, so I am very lucky that even though there have been kinks in the process, at least I have the ability to do it.  For that, I am grateful.  The positives far outweigh the negatives, so I’m sticking with it – come hell or high water.